tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 14, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(audience chanting stephen) thank you! (cheers and applause) thank you very much! please, please! i am stephen colbert. we we welcome to "the late show"! i'm so happy to be here. you happy to be here tonight? (cheers and applause) i am happy to be here in front of you doing the show in one of my men suits. (cheers and applause) well, they announced the winnner of the powerball lottery yesterday and i won... i'm going to use it to roll up something to help me forget about the whole thing. if i seem a little off tonight,
it's because i've got a slight head cold. it started off with lotto fever and turned into actual fever. i've got a bit of a sore throat. it's not that big a deal. it only hurts when i talk. so the show is going to be a fair amount of mime. (cheers and applause) but i'm going to get through the show for you! (cheers and applause) i've taken dayquil, and nyquil. i'm hoping that balances out to just "quil." i'm also on advil, tylenol, and sudafed. through my body, i have all the ingredients needed to make meth. anyway, big day in hollywood. this morning, they announced the nominees for this year's academy awards.
nominees. who don't have time to see all eight movies. you haven't even seen "star wars" eight times yet. so as a service, to keep you informed for your office pool, your oscar pool, here's a quick recap of each of the best picture nominees. i will be playing all the parts, because every nominee is white. (laughter) here we go: "the revenant!" arrghh! a bear! "the big short!" i'm rich! i'm rich! but i kinda feel bad about it. hello!
brooklyn in 1952. 63 years from now, i hope someone in this neighborhood will dress like me ironically. (laughter) "spotlight!" let's see, uhmm...newspapers... priests... children... pass! pass! "bridge of spies!" it's just a bridge of spies . i'm gonna have to cross a bridge of spies! (laughter) "room!" (laughter) "mad max!" hello, clarice. my name is max. half laugh "the martian!" mmm.
and... scene! (applause) you know, in rehearsal, that was a baked potato. of course, the real winners tonight are you folks because we have a great show for you. (cheers and applause) first, i'll be sitting down with actor olivia munn. (cheers and applause) we both used to be correspondents at "the daily show." we'll reminisce about how jon hammers in his secret battle pit. then i'll talk to actor and comedian t.j. miller. (cheers and applause)
he's one of the stars of hbo's "silicon valley." it's like hbo's "girls," but there aren't any. and we'll have a performance by singer/songwriter father john misty. (cheers and applause) he'll be performing his song "holy (bleep)." or as it's known on network television "oh, darn." (band playing) oh, you hear that sound? that's jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everyone! they're about to take us all on a musical journey from here to eternity to my desk over there. but before they do, one more thing: economists believe that thanks to falling prices, oil could soon be cheaper than bottled water. and somehow, more environmentally friendly.
stephen welcomes olivia munn! t. j. miller! and the musical performance by father john misty! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! before we really get into tonight's show, there are a couple of things i need to get off my chest -- aside from a fair amount of phlegm. (laughter) i am not only sick, i'm also heart sick, because it has been a hard week of losing iconic
british artists. david bowie's death shocked us on monday, didn't it? and this morning the news at alan rickman died made me cry. i'm not entirely sure why, but we all know him as severus snape, the unlikely heartbroken hero of the "harry potter" stories. but he was also great in "galaxy," "quest," "die hard," "love actually," "truly madly. deeply," "sense and sensibilty." he played so many characters who we the audience could see lived on the threshold of letting those around him know how he felt, the ways that he was hurt and couldn't reveal. that's a rare and beautiful gift to share with an audience, and the world is poorer for his loss. (applause) and in a completely different vein, i'm still upset about a sandwich i got last week. (laughter) those of you who saw last
got enough tomatoes on my b.l.t. jimmy, put up a picture of me with the b.l.t. in question. jimmy. enhance! there it is. i see the b. i see the l. where the hell is the t? where's my tomato? there isn't any. and a b.l.t. without the t is just a b.l. it's bllll. now, i knew this segment was going to be controversial, but i was shocked by the blowback online. the tweetosphere exploded with hashtag-rage, like "colbert, there was clearly tomato at the bottom of that b.l.t!" "the tomato's on the bottom, dude," and -- "am i going crazy? the tomato is right there!" no. you're not going crazy. the "world" is going crazy if "this" is considered enough tomato. because remember my order -- and if "this" counts as "extra tomato," then ordering with
at all. and if that's the case, stop the sandwich, i want to get off. and these weren't the only people who thought they saw not only a tomato but a conspiracy. one conspiracist, or b.l.-truther, as they prefer to be called, wrote: "why am i the only one that sees the tomato in #colbert #blt? if it isn't , what in hell is that 6mm veg under the lettuce?" that's 6 millimeters? is that what you tell your girlfriend? you need to get your tomato ruler checked, buddy. that's a millimeter and a half, tops. it's so thin that you could read the new york times through it. the headline: "not enough tomato." but i will say, in my zeal for justice, i may have been a little harsh on the man who made this sandwich.
there are no hard feelings. in fact, i ordered another b.l.t. from him, and this is what i got. look at that. okay? (cheers and applause) (applause) so we know the system works. if you want a b.l.t. and you are anywhere in the tri-state area -- hell, on the east coast -- this is the guy to go to. now, if you're like me, you taped your t.v. show earlier tonight, and right now you're at home on the couch with a cocktail made of equal parts bourbon and mucinex -- i call it "the cold fashioned" -- and you just finished watching tonight's republican debate. i bet tonight was the best one yet. because we are just 19 days away from the first official vote at the iowa caucuses -- and winning iowa is crucial for winning the republican nomination.
2012, president rick santorum. thank you, sir. (applause) so the candidates are stepping up their games. for instance, jeb! last week, i reported that jeb! had revitalized his campaign with a bold new strategy. >> jeb bush says that he sees himself as a joyful tortoise. at least that's what he told a teenager on the campaign trail yesterday. the republican presidential candidate gave the boy a toy turtle and says he carries them around in his pocket. >> stephen: yes, he gives out toy turtles. he tried using real turtles, but they kept crawling out of his pockets and then passing him in the polls. but guess what? i called it. last week, i said this guy was due for a comeback, and according to reuters, he is now in third place nationally. aint' no stoppin us now!
he's on a rocket fueled elevator straight to the third floor! and if my math is right, there are only two places "above" that. that's at least a bronze. speaking of bronzer -- donald trump. the latest iowa polls have trump just three points behind ted cruz, who has been leading in iowa ever since george pataki dropped out, and cruz picked. up all of pataki's voter. trump did what a cornered trump does. he went on the attack by exposing a dark secret from cruz's past. >> he was born in canada. >> stephen: that's right, only natural born citizens can be president, and cruz was born... in canada! that, of course, is the sound of canada's national bird, the loon. if you knew that, you are not qualified to be president.
or maybe you are. i think the whole thing is horse (bleep). but trump doesn't. listen to what trump has been playing at "his" rallies. born in the u.s.a. "born in the u.s.a.!" it could be worse, ted. he could be taunting you with the canadian anthem -- i think it's that barenaked ladies song: chikkity-china, the chinese chicken you have a drum stick and your brain stops tickin' our home and native land but cruz has his own snappy musical comeback. >> now ted cruz is saying donald trump, you know, is from somewhere even worse than canada: new york. >> i think he may shift in his new rallies to playin' "new york, new york." because, you know, donald comes from new york, and he embodies new york values. >> stephen: i don't like what he's insinuating about new york, that donald trump comes from
say! but maybe ted cruz is misinterpreting trump constantly questioning his citizenship. as trump's campaign manager explained, "we're trying to help." yes, he's trying to help. today it's "he was born in canada." tomorrow, maybe inserting him into old episodes of "degrassi junior high". besides, this isn't the first time the natural born citizen issue has come up in an election. in 2008, one candidate's unusual, possibly unamerican origins had a lot of people suspicious: john mccain. senator mccain was born in panama, on a u.s. military base. but that was all cleared up when all his senate colleagues, including barack obama, stepped in and passed a resolution declaring him a natural born citizen. now, cruz isn't particularly popular in congress. he has been described by members of his own party as a "jackass," "a wacko bird," "the republican
no other republican can stand." and, while the other leading republican candidates would benefit from cruz being ineligible, i'm sure his fellow republicans senators will rally around him like they did with mccain. right, mitch mcconnell? >> i don't think the senate ought to get in the middle of it. >> stephen: yeah, but in 2008 when mccain was -- >> i just don't think the senate ought to get in the middle of this. >> stephen: well, looks like jeb bush has one more lucky turtle in his pocket. we'll be right back with olivia munn. (cheers and applause) uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm?
adventures from $599, plus up to $300 to spend at sea. come seek the royal caribbean. offer ends february 15th. all the hard work... time in the service... community college... it matters. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree. learn more at phoenix.edu. things just got a whole lot introducing entrees loaded with flavor, not calories. applebee's grill & bar favorites made a little better for you. featuring new dishes, all under 650 calories
(band playing) >> stephen: welcome back! my first guest tonight is an actor you know from "the daily show," and "the newsroom." her latest project is "ride along 2". >> don't touch my computer. don't look at my computer. this stuff is sensitive. >> that's fine. i'll log out. >> you will log out? oh, girl! i said don't touch it! >> soft soft tissue manipulation, pressure point.
>> she's got my appendix! ow, oh! you're pathetic. check the tape. a word of advice -- a couple of things, homicide. >> homicide. i am officer ben barber and i am his partner. >> no, he's. i'm not shaking your hand after that. come on, james, let's go. >> please welcome olivia munn! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nice seeing you. i love seeing you! >> stephen: i heard a rumor you're engaged. >> i know. >> stephen: i want to spread a rumor i congratulated you. >> oh. >> stephen: are you and aaron
>> no, we are not engaged at all. i did hear that rumor. it's just some random magazine decided to say it one day. i didn't actually think most people would listen to it and believe it. >> stephen: come on, the follow-up question is what is he waiting for? he must think he's pretty special if he's going to do better than this. >> well, that's nice. >> stephen: aaron, are you watching? >> he is watching. >> stephen: step up to the plate. i know that's not your sport, but you understand that, of course. (laughter) >> he's pretty good at baseball, too. my mom believed it and -- >> stephen: your mom believed it? >> my mom believed it. >> stephen: i love the way you talk about your mom. was she excited? >> she was. i brought my phone. the only way i knew to dispel the rumors was to use my mother and her text conversation with me. so this is a text conversation with my mother i had to post online for the entire world to stop asking me questions about
hold on, i'm sorry. >> stephen: that's all right. do a quick sue doku over here. >> this is what i texted to my mom the other day. i'll read it in her voice. oh, man, you engagement? you know we love aaron. we pray for him all the time. i bet you happy. why didn't you tell me first. smiley face: oh, my gosh, mom, you shouldn't believe what you hear on the internet. definitely you would be way before the internet. she said, okay, i see you going to be on the tv. and colbert. okay, i have to go. tell aaron i said hi. >> stephen: is this the actual text? >> yes. >> stephen: can i text your mom? >> yes. there it is. >> stephen: who is chance? my puppy.
we rescued him. >> stephen: is this chance. you have chance on there? >> stephen: is that your dog? yes, that's chance. >> stephen: all right. that's chance. that's our little puppy, we rescued him. my mom -- >> stephen: what's her name. kim. asian. she put coberto. her predicted text goes to colberto. >> yeah, colberto here. so... you're happy... for... the... engagement... >> no! (laughter) >> stephen: and send.
>> no! >> stephen: an opportunity for you to talk to her again. >> no, i don't want to talk to my mom. no. >> stephen: you are known as one of -- a cool person, not just a person who's funny. you're kind of cool because you're also like a funny person who's also an attractive woman, who's also a geek. you do have a geek reputation, right? >> i like geeky things. >> stephen: you geek out on something? >> you and i have something in common, lord of the rings. >> stephen: you geek out on lord of the rings? >> i was wanting to have a little conversation and see who was the bigger lord of the rings fan. i have a little game. i think we should both quote our favorite excerpts from the lord of the rings in one of the books and see who does it better. you should go first. (laughter)
>> stephen: come into my parlor said shelov to the fly. let me see what i can think of. this is what frodo says the first time he sees goldberry, oh slender as a willow wand, oh clearer than clearer water, oh read by the clear pool river daughter. spring team and went after, a winter on the water fall and the leaves laughter. (cheers and applause) i would definitely purelle your hands after this. >> that was beautiful. >> stephen: your turn. hit it. >> i'm sorry. lord of the rings. that's when all the boys go into the mountain? (laughter) i know, i was thinking goonies. so i -- i'm sorry.
very similar. now, in "ride along 2" you play a bad-ass and kick a little ass in this movie. >> yes, supposed to. >> stephen: i'm assuming you didn't just show up and start pumping punching people. i assume it's in the script. >> my character is a no nonsense cop. >> stephen:o nonsense cop would be fun. (laughter) >> it was great fun. i did two weeks gun training leading up to the movie so i would learn to be comfortable and confident with it,. >> stephen: accurately whip it out. >> and be safe because gun safety is really important. i shot this movie three months. it was the last day of shooting and the prop guy had to leave and we had a new guy come in and he knows it's our last day shooting, we were at day 90. he comes up to me like always and says here's your gun and i
go to grab it and he says, no, no, no, no! when i give you this gun, i don't need you to wave it around, point it at people, don't point it at yourself or at me. holster your gun. when you're ready to use it, take it out. then holster it. then give it back to me, all right? and it's, like, the last day. i know what i'm doing with a gun. i said, you're going to tell everybody what you told me? he said, yeah, safety. i said, did you tell ice cube that just now? and he was, like, yeah, yeah. i went, really? one second. hey, cube. did the new prop guy just come up to you and say, don't go waiting waiving the gun around like this and don't go pointing at people, don't point it at yourself? and he looked at me and said, no. i said, that's what i thought, we're done.
>> stephen: did you kick his ass? >> i did the last day and he got fired but it didn't matter. >> stephen: now you are a superhero. >> you have to many pictures. >> stephen: i always keep a lot of pictures of olivia munn down here. but tonight it's handy (laughter) this is you, you will be kicking ass right there. >> yes, you like the x-men universe. >> stephen: i do. how do you think about the ladies have to get in outfits like this but guys get to wear clothing everywhere. >> i will say, being on the set, when the guys have to take off their shirt, there is more stress than for the girls. you have to lean out so you look tough and if you are bigger, no one will say anything because it's rude. but the guys have to be ripped and there is a need to be six-packs and they're always doing pushups and -- >> stephen: tell me about it. it's a lot of stress. >> it's a lot of stress for these guys.
>> stephen: did you get super fit to play this part? >> i did. the beginning of the movie, i look different. if you watch the movies until the beginning of my fight scene, i lost 12 points. when i started i thought, i'm a relatable actress, i can eat whatever. i i was backstage eating a done the and saying i'm not a model, i'm an actress, i'm relatable. that's what i tell myself. i started six or seven hours a day doing martial arts and sword training. i lost 12-pound. i feel very strong and it's an awesome feeling. >> stephen: i would not wave a gun at you. >> don't go waving your gun like this! >> stephen: olivia, thanks for being here. >> thanks so much, i love it!
did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. it shows people policy options to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] crazy that a big shot like me would pack his own bags, right? [ chuckles ] so, do i have the right to remain handsome? [ chuckles ] wait. uh-oh. olive garden' s all-new flavorfilled pastas, with raviolis so nice we filled them twice. bursting with indulgent flavors like chicken marsala ravioli, or smoked mozzarella manicotti. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. starting at $12.99.
for a limited time. at olive garden. i need to collect your phones so you can't post pictures. [screams] how does it feel to not be connected? my chest hurts. let me show you a better way to keep connected. the 2016 chevy cruze offers built in 4g lte wi-fi that connects up to 7 devices. current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this well-equipped cruze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads at
(band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everyone. let's hear it for jon batiste and "stay human." jon, you sound terrific on that piano tonight. >> jon: thank you, stephen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you know, i've often thought that if i could play any musical instrument, i would. >> jon: what if i told you i could teach you to play piano in nine easy steps?
i'd love to see that. >> fellow students, i'm jon batiste. welcome to piano 10-fun. today i'm going to teach you to play piano or flow-melodica. one, identifying of piano. piano has 88 keys, 52 white and 36 black. if your piano has six strings, that's a guitar, my friend. name your instrument! every piano is unique, so be sure to give yours a special name. i call mine steinway & sons. i can't stress this enough -- you've got to keep your piano clean. so before you sit down to play, wash your hands, floss your teeth, vacuum the floor, and
the beach, it's a good cause. the notes on the piano are simple. a, b, d, this one, and of course there is this one flat. that's all the notes on the piano. five -- you will never be a complete pianist until you've mastered the bench. half your performances take place from the waste down. look at all the masters, sir elton john -- they all have one thing in common, they were cooking with gas -- good at sitting. remember, it doesn't matter how well you play. take it for me, if you fall off that bench, whoo! that's all they're going to talk about. lesson 6, the pedals. to master the piano, you have to master the pedals.
there's the soft pedal, and sustain, and if you figure out what that third pedal does, please do let me know. (honking) lesson seven, playing and fluidity. keep the ball in motion and get to the low post-. man, you're unstoppable. lesson 9. let's play piano. now that you've got the basics down, time to make some music. just take your fingers and do what i do. check it out.
huh. introducing centrum vitamints. a brand new multivitamin you enjoy like a mint. with a full spectrum of essential nutrients... surprisingly smooth, refreshingly cool. i see you found the vitamints. new centrum vitamints. a delicious new way to get your multivitamins. straight talk's unlimited plan saves me money. in fact, i saved enough to help with this trip to hawaii. but to prove that i also get one of america's largest and most dependable networks, i'll call my brother. he's in alaska. hey tom. how's it going? today i got up around 11:30, and then i went snorkeling. and it is amazing, the water is so... best phones. best networks. half get a samsung galaxy grand prime or bring your own phone. unlimited talk, text and data is just $45 a month.
(band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is a writer, actor, and comedian, and star of the show "silicon valley". this sunday he'll be hosting "the critic's choice awards". please welcome t.j. miller. (cheers and applause) >> i'm t. j. miller from the major motion picture "yogi bear" 3-d. >> stephen: a great movie. a great fill. >> stephen: who were you in that. >> ranger john. >> stephen: oh, yeah! the strongest character of
the film. >> stephen: the breakout star of the 3-d. >> i sort of overshadowed boo-boo. >> stephen: thanks for wearing the winged collar, too? so few of my guests come duded up. >> i was really nervous. you're my wife's favorite comedian, present company included. >> stephen: sounds like a lovely woman. what's your wife's name? >> the source of a lot of contention. kate. >> stephen: hey, kate. here we are on your favorite comedian's show. >> stephen: everybody likes you. you're blowing up. you're the host of the critics choice award. >> i am. i'm blowing up. you may have a clip dr. . >> stephen: we do have a clip. hould we clip it up? >> stephen: this is you
winning last year for "silicon valley." >> i thought i was going to lose so i ate a lot. thank you very much. i would say that the awards for the children because children are a tangible representation of achievement whereas aadults should settle for the president and admiration of their peers. but what do i know? i mean, i just play an arrogant blow hard that says whatever the (bleep) he wants to. >> stephen: did they stop you as you were leaving and say -- >> give the award back, come back next year. i believe the awards with for children. what did i say, the award is hollow, nothing to it, then i got a job from it to host the
so i guess i'm eating crow, right? a foot in my mouth, right? egg on my face, right? (laughter) the old egg on the face bit! >> stephen: glad to have you. we're very excited. i'm excited that i have more than one suit! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so you're telling me your wife doesn't like this in ?>> it not that she doesn't like it. she just hates it. >> stephen: (laughter) >> stephen: you worked on the "silicon valley" show.
talk or just drip for a while because we can be quiet for a bit. >> let's drip for a second. >> stephen: let's drip for a second. rrr >> i have been on the road and i have been closing with a bit called skeleton hands, and if you don't mind, i'm just going to -- (laughter) thank you. so i have been closing with this bit on the road, standup, and it's called skeleton hands, and i was wondering if you wanted to do it with me. >> stephen: sure. i was told you had skeleton hands and i'm quiet during it? i close my eyes? >> you close your eyes and look towards america, all right. >> stephen: again, i have no
tell me wife i love her. >> this would be so weird if this is the way you died. >> stephen: yep. got a lot of egg on me. we'll try it like this. okay. close your eyes. now open them, and just trust me, stephen. >> stephen: open my eyes? yeah. stephen, this is one of the greatest moments of my life. i want you to know that. i -- (laughter) i guess in some case this really validates me as a comedian. god, look at this... (laughter) the 21st annual critics choice awards sunday on a amp e and lifetime! t. j. miller, everyone! we'll be right back!
connection. and the network was born. then, we connected more and more people until it became clear that the network was not a fad or aluxury but a basic human necessity. and so, at&t built a network, just for you. one that connects your family and friends... your businesses, devices... mobile entertainment, connected cars, and connected homes. it grows as you grow. extending your reach to pull you closer to what you need and the people you love. because you are still evolving and so are we. with a network that is invented and reinvented every day to work for you how and where you need it. this is your network.
don't open that cellar door epic comeback starts right here lucky shot. mmm mmm mmm mm mmm mm mmmmm it's winter. eat winter snacks. freshman. campbell's. made for real, real life. degree gave women a motion-activated wristband to understand how much they move,... and created degree with motionsense. the world's first antiperspirant activated by movement, it has unique microcapsules that
break with friction to release bursts of freshness all day. keeping you fresher with every move. motionsense. protection to keep you moving. degree. it won't let you down. when cigarette cravings hit, all i can think about is getting relief. only nicorette mini has a patented fast-dissolving formula. it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. i never know when i'll need relief. that's why i only choose nicorette mini. indulgence... no longer comes at a price. well, actually it does... but it's just $9.99 new hot shot whisky chicken applebee's grill & bar favorites made a little better for you. featuring new dishes loaded with flavor,
john misty! >> ancient holy wars dead religions, holocausts new regimes, old ideals that's now myth, that's now real original sin, genetic fate revolutions, spinning plates it's important to stay informed the commentary to comment on oh, and no one ever really knows you and life is brief so i've heard, but what's that gotta do with this black hole and me? oh...
oh... age-old gender roles infotainment, capital golden bowls and mercury bohemian nightmare, dust bowl chic this documentary's lost on me satirical news, free energy mobile lifestyle, loveless sex independence, happiness oh, and no one ever knows the real you and life is brief so i've heard, but what's that gotta do with this atom bomb and me?